I repeated my vows with a mayor, not a clergyman. I didn’t get any god in on it. It was just from me.
The State of North Carolina decided I was no longer married while I was at the dentist getting my teeth cleaned.
The vow thing is the most confusing aspect of the divorce for me. It feels as though most of society is telling me to break promises– people who call marriage a sacrament included. Is it masochism or integrity that makes me fiercely defend my marriage vows?
My ex was recently diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer. It has spread to the spine and lungs.
I get the updates, talk with him about his options, and tell him I love him. He doesn’t say he loves me back, but expresses appreciation for my caring for him after his heart attack a year after the divorce. He thanks me as he would someone who had done him a favor. I offer to take care of him now if he wants to move up here.
Our niece, who is really someone related to his first ex-wife, is the only person I still have from that side of the family. She says that my love and loyalty still matter to him.
I definitely do not want to be married to my ex. But, as an ex-wife who never filed, it feels like I have all of this caring and it has no place to go.
November 14, 2012 at 11:37 pm
I do understand that feeling of having caring with no place to go. No matter where he goes, what you do, this is going to be rough. I have no advice, but I surely will be here to read anything you want to post. (or email, for that matter) What about you? Do you have people around you who understand what a complex situation this is for you, people who’ll be supportive without laying on a bunch of shoulds and oughts?
This just sucks.
November 15, 2012 at 9:34 am
Thank you for your support! The people who think that my role became null and void when the divorce went through just have a different perspective and don’t want to see me hurt. But there are others who understand my view and my feelings that are supportive.
My main concern is that my daughter handles this well, and she is. She is expressing her feelings, and maintaining a relationship with her father while seeing that his shortcomings are not her fault. My job is to keep nurturing her healthy way of dealing with all of this.
November 17, 2012 at 5:34 am
You are such a strong caring compassionate person. I do certainly know where you are coming from as I understand that the feelings of ‘care’ and ‘compassion’ just do not disappear simply because of someone else’s choices or a signed piece of paper. I spent a long time grappling with this and in the end having to actively dissociate myself from those feelings because i could not let go of the relationship until I let go of the feelings. So to be put back in your position after this time must be so difficult. I think that you must do what your heart and your values and your conscience tell you to do – that and what is best for your daughter / children. I wish you courage in this decision and hope that you find support in this difficult time.
November 23, 2012 at 6:42 pm
Your support is making a sad time more bearable for me. Thank you!
November 21, 2012 at 11:05 pm
Just stopping by to wish you a happy and peaceful Thanksgiving. Well, and pie. Everyone needs pie.
November 23, 2012 at 6:44 pm
Thanks! I had a great Thanksgiving and hope you did, too. I seriously added a sliver of pie to my overloaded plate of two pieces of cake because of your advice.