you have reached the number you promised to call back. This number has been reached in error, since no one ever calls me back. You have reached the number from which I call to confirm appointments to you since your time is important to me. Please listen closely, for I’m in the process of a bitter divorce and my menu has changed:

Press 1 if you’ve canceled the appointment I made three months ago so my daughter wouldn’t miss school and you want me to re-schedule when sines and cosines will be covered in her trigonometry class.

Press 2 if you want to confirm the new address you keep putting into your computer after I tell you time and time again we still live here. Only my STBX lives elsewhere. If you do this again I will send you a picture of my daughter and me standing in front of our house with a sharp pitchfork.

Press 3 if you have the insurance info totally messed up.

Press 4 if you have the insurance info totally f**ked up.

Press 5 if you want to hear Musak over a cell phone.

Press 6 if you want to hear Musak over a cell phone and think you can guess what song it is.

Or, if we’ve been trusting our lives to a medical facility that still uses rotary phones, please stay on the line and dial this code:

            D as in day


            S as in say

            C as in cay


            N as in nay

            N as in nay


            C as in cay

            T as in tay

 I’m sorry. All our regular people are busy trying to live their lives. If you leave a shor……..