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I’m here for my reward.

I’ll need to see some ID.

Here.

(Pause) Hmmmmmm… I’m sorry. You already received your reward.

What?

Yes. According to your life philosophy explained here on your card, you don’t believe in heaven or hell or any of that. You’re only in it for the good feeling you get for doing the right thing.

Yeah, but…

But, what?

Well, a lot of other people… I mean a LOT of other people…like, I’m a much better person than…

How do you know?

Well, I just know. Anyway, they’re doing so much better than I am.

How do you know that?

Well, just by looking at their situations.

Yours looked pretty good a couple of years ago before it all fell apart, too, didn’t it?

Yeah, but…

And in retrospect it was pretty shitty.

Yeah, but…

Well, maybe a lot of those people’s situations just don’t look shitty. Anyway, what are you even here for? According to your religion listed as “Other”, it says you believe that God is a spiritual force, you don’t believe in rewards or punishment from a higher power, and, let me emphasize this, you try to be a good person because it makes you feel good inside.

Yeah, but…

So you already got your reward.

Yeah, but…

NEXT!!

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