1.    Lift ‘n’ peeling a lift ‘n’ peel (followed by the trademark sign) seal. Most condiment bottles seem to have this now. This is trademarked? Why would you even want to own up to this invention? I’m reading “get ‘n’ knife.”

2.    Leaving tags in clothing. These are modern hair shirts: garments of soft, luxurious fabric with torture devices in the back. I will no longer buy a shirt if the tag is sewn into the seam, because I have my own sweatshop to work in and don’t have time to sew my clothing back together as a cottage industry of yours.

3.    Being excited when you change the look of your packaging. Even if you follow “New Look” with an exclamation point, it just doesn’t change my life. I’m sorry I can’t get on board with this.

4.    Going online as soon as I get home to tell your corporate that you did a good job working the checkout counter. I don’t think the sure thing of wasting my time vs. the miniscule possibility of my winning $5,000 in merchandise makes a good bet. I don’t believe in giving kids stickers every time they put away their Lego’s so I sure as hell am not going to praise middle-aged people every time they do their jobs. Tell corporate that if you really piss me off I’ll let them know. Otherwise, it was a boring 3-minute encounter during my busy day. If it wasn’t boring that was its own reward for both of us.

5.    Enjoying the greeting “Welcome to Food Lion!”  hollered at me by the closest employee as soon as I enter the store. You never know what direction it will be coming from. It’s scary. What if I kept going out and coming back in would you keep saying it? How many times? It’s just a scary policy. I don’t even like the way employees in the food stores ask how I am in every aisle. I want to buy bananas and eggs and tuna and pasta and shampoo and whatever meat is on sale. Therapy is a different outing. What if I really told you how I am? Would you stop stocking the shelf, sit with me, and hear me out? Wouldn’t that be a scary policy? That would make you want to bag real quick.

6.    Having a heart-to-heart talk with someone at a restaurant when the server is asking how every spoonful of soup is and topping the tea off when it’s down 1/8 mm. You may as well just sit down with us and tell us your opinion about the problem my friend here is having so we’re not continually diverted from talking about important things to talking about tea. The server simply being nearby if people need something lets people talk to one another over a meal. We don’t need servers to interrupt our conversations; we have kids for that.