Today my attorney’s office called. My STBX wants to be divorced on Monday. This will happen. I am irrelevant in this process. I am the “un” in “uncontested” divorce law. He doesn’t want to wait until the scheduled November 19 equitable distribution mediation for some reason.

I want to know when I am divorced, so the legal assistant will call me when my marriage has officially ended. I am scheduled to have my teeth cleaned Monday. If she calls during that, I will ask Robin to take the saliva-sucking tube out of my mouth. “Raab, col u tuk da slvv skk tu oudda ma mot?” so I can say “Hello. Oh, it’s official? OK. Thanks for letting me know.”

I don’t know if my secondary insurance will no longer be in effect when Robin then goes about cleaning the tartar buildup off the bottom teeth. These are the types of logistical things I am supposed to think about. No ceremony to see him break the vows. There will just be me on the phone asking the auto club if I’m still OK until October 2011 now that I’m divorced from the subscriber. Asking if I need a whole new checking account for my name change. What about my Food Lion MVP card?

No, that’s not all that it will be. Monday at lunch I will go to the jeweler and buy myself a divorce ring. I will have “To thine ownself be true” inscribed in it.

And since I don’t break commitments, that will be a meaningful ceremony.