The legal assistant called me today. She said the divorce was signed yesterday. That would be the 19th. Trying to be all symbolic and shit, I go online and see it is Evaluate Your Life Day. I’m all ethereal about this until I get home and the divorce paperwork is in the mailbox and it’s stamped and signed “the 18th”. Now I go online and see I was divorced on No Beard Day. What is this mockery?

She also tells me the mediation date will be moved because the attorney has a new boyfriend who is taking her on a cruise the week for which it was scheduled. It’s a cruise but she doesn’t know to where. This concerns me. This sounds like a potential Nancy Grace hour. During my last visit with my attorney, she told me she’d broken up with her boyfriend, and although I felt badly for her, it would be to my advantage at the mediation if she were still in a pro-castration state of mind instead of being smitten with a new guy. I know I’m being selfish thinking like this, but if she had just met the smiter a little later in the year…

I wonder if he has a beard. I wonder if my attorney can swim.