I know I’m single.

I know I’m white.

I know I’m female.

I’ve always been straight, but right now I don’t like any of the genders.

Religion? It doesn’t actually have a name. I’m the only one in the congregation. For 10% of your pay I’ll let you join.

I like long walks on the beach if I can take pee breaks in the ocean every so often. (Don’t get grossed out—it keeps flushing like the bathrooms in the mall.)

I don’t drink because it makes me dehydrated.

The formality of calling it a date scared the shit out of me when I was young. I haven’t changed. If I ever get in another relationship it will just happen accidentally.

I don’t want to be someone else’s entire social life. I’ll always need some Claudia time. Remember the expression “parallel play”? You drew a picture while your friend played with the blocks. Sometimes two people can be together while one is engrossed in a book and the other enjoys TV.

I’ve enjoyed a variety of jobs. I can’t say with a straight face that I’ve built a career. I work for a non-profit that pays shit. If money’s an issue, the British monarchy got a Facebook page today. They’re not accepting friends, but there could be some good leads. I’m happy just having the basics.

I don’t like movies. Well, a few that really get into the character’s heads. As long as there is hardly any action.

Like I’m setting myself up for?

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