On Sunday, I went to the movies by myself. I never did this before. I did go to a play once by myself while I was still married. My daughter hates Our Town by Thornton Wilder. I don’t see how that is even possible. My ex didn’t want to go. He’s a sports fan and it was on a Sunday afternoon. I wanted to go by myself anyway. I love the play so much I didn’t want to be distracted by their potential inattentiveness.

Back to this weekend. I wanted to see The King’s Speech. My daughter wasn’t interested, and there wasn’t anyone else to go with. It wasn’t a big deal. A lot of people go to movies by themselves, and I don’t mind doing things alone. It would have been nice to go with someone, but this wasn’t a self-esteem issue until…

After the movie had begun, a group of women came into the theater holding drinks and popcorn looking for seats. They stopped next to my seat, which was on the end. I thought the one lady was going to excuse herself and they would file down my row. The woman touched my arm. Then she jumped back and shrieked:

“Ewwww! It’s a person!”

What the f**k! I’m thinking. Is that bad?

Then she began telling her friends how she should have used the light from her cell phone, and I realized her eyes hadn’t adjusted well to the darkness and she’d thought she was touching an empty chair. Then I started laughing. She didn’t know what part of whose anatomy she had touched, and I think the whole thing freaked her out past the point of even thinking about apologizing to whatever mass of flesh (which in reality was only my arm) she had violated.

So, yes, I’m a person. I hope this doesn’t gross you out.