Yesterday, it finally arrived. The first batch of free address labels with my new name. Woo-hoo!

I’m a firm believer in my right to the extra 3 hours, 47 minutes I will have at the end of my life because of the accumulated time saved finding address labels and affixing them instead of writing my name and address in the upper left-hand corner of envelopes. Since my divorce, I’ve already accumulated 2.8 seconds at the end of my life ripping my old last name off labels, leaving the middle initial representing my maiden name, and writing in all but the first letter of my new last name that used to be my maiden name.

I do give to charitable organizations when I can, but I know I will be using most of the updated labels that will be coming to my mailbox in the near future without opening my checkbook. So, People for the Ethical Treatment of Pineapples, Save the Fans of REO Speedwagon, and Americans United for Separation of Yolk and Albumen, I’m sorry.

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