(Disclaimer: Only kidding.)

  1. Make sure you sign the guest book so you get credit for going. I don’t know—it just helps knowing that someday people will remember that you were a good person.
  2. Closed casket? What a bummer. It’s best not to say “Oh, I thought a viewing meant I could see the corpse. I came from out of town—OK if I take just a little peek?”
  3. Sometimes the serious environment of the funeral parlor can make you want to shake things up a little. It would be funny, but refrain from “I’m so sorry. I’ll really miss him. He was so good in bed.” to the widow. Or, “Didn’t he just move?” as you pass by an open casket.
  4. It’s a common theory that some people go to Hell, but the one who just died is never one of them. It’s in really bad taste to contradict mourners’ stories of the deceased’s looking down from Heaven with an itinerary of his sins and descriptions of eternal burning.