How was your day?

I’m still looking like the main character of some kind of plant-animal hybrid B-movie after being flung into the weeds this morning, where I landed on the branch of a pokeberry bush. What a lovely ceremony! I hope it didn’t make you late for work.

Don’t worry, I don’t have any diseases. The only health concern I have now is a little something called DEATH, but I was fine before that. You people are always saying that we leave our droppings everywhere so it’s OK to kill us. We leave only odorless, tiny hard little things which can be easily picked up with a moist paper towel. Can you say the same of your excrement?

Oh, and we shouldn’t be in your house in the summer. We’re a cold weather “problem”. You’ve been enjoying air conditioning for the last 50 plus years. Maybe we’re evolving toward the good life a little, too.

I was already having a bad night, but when I smelled that cheddar I thought things might be looking up. Yeah, I looked up when a big metal bar came down where my eyebrows would be if I had eyebrows. Nobody would use mousetraps if we made noise. If we were able to let out a blood-curdling scream, or even a soft whimper, Victor would be out of business. And what a name for a mousetrap. Yeah, you’re a real victor. Way to fight fair.

Well, go look in the mousetrap you put in your daughter’s room. That thing will stay empty forever. Do you think my teen, who’s hanging out with your teen, is scrounging for a meal in there? Do you know the smorgasbord that’s available in that room on any given day? A packed morsel of dried cheese is no temptation in there, I can tell you that!

My Junior will carry on! And you’ll be having the pleasure of meeting the rest of the family. That’s them darting suddenly in your peripheral vision.