My ex is twelve years older than I am. He always has been. Except before I was conceived. During our marriage, if I had an ache or a pain, it was never a big deal. His was much worse because he was older. When we started going out he was 40. I was 55 when we split, but any aches or pains I had as a 40 to 55-year-old would always pale in comparison. I didn’t have many, but still…

When I turned 50, I didn’t sign up for AARP, since spouses are free. So I just rode along on the coattails of his membership.

Well, yesterday, when I realized I would need to join AARP first in order to join their Roadside Assistance program, I knew it was my time to shine in all the silver glory of my seniorness. I went online and signed up. Imagine my delight when the following letter appeared in my email:

Dear Charles,

Thank you for joining AARP.

What the f**k??!!! Let me have my senior moment for chrissakes! I’m not even married to you anymore!

I called AARP’s toll-free number. A distorted Betty White responded to one of the menu options. I enjoyed her warbly wittiness to a point, but she started wasting my time, so I 0##00*#*** ed her and she let me talk to a person.

This never happened before, the rep said. Things that never happened before happen to me, I said. Apparently, since he had this email when he turned 50, the computer just picked it up….whatever. It’s supposed to be straightened out now.

Yeah, it may be straightened out. But it was supposed to be my big day.