I was taking my microwave and my dryer for granted until they switched roles.

At first I thought it was my imagination that, after opening the door to get my food out of the microwave, the turntable kept going. When my daughter exclaimed, “Mom, the microwave isn’t stopping!” I decided it was an unplug-after-each-use situation.

Meanwhile, back in the basement…

I open the dryer door. My clothes are sitting there, warm and in a lump. I look at the dial, and it’s mid-cycle. I close the door. I don’t hear any thumping around. I reopen the door. The clothes are still sitting in that exact lump. The drum isn’t rotating. A little online searching tells me the belt is broken.

My brother-in-law confirmed the dryer diagnosis, and told me to junk the microwave—even unplugging it after each use would be risky. My mom had a microwave here that works just fine, so we’re using that now and I’m going to order a dryer belt.

The moral of this story is…tell your appliances how much you appreciate them. Tell them on a daily basis. Or they will f**k with you. Do you want your home theater system to slice and dice just to get negative attention? What if your Waterpik started sucking up lint from the carpeting in various rooms during the night?

Thank you, laptop. You are the vehicle that allowed me to share this piece of information with all humanity.